Dear Diary
by Hiding So They Don't Find Me
Summary: "Merlin loved writing. It was one of his favorite activities. He would write to his mother every week, though he didn't send all of the letters. He would write spells he had discovered in his magic book, and how he used the spells he already knew. And, though he knew better, he would write the day's events down, unedited, in a diary." Slash.


**Disclaimer: I do not own ****_Merlin_****.**

* * *

Merlin loved writing. It was one of his favorite activities. He would write to his mother every week, though he didn't send all of the letters. He would write spells he had discovered in his magic book, and how he used the spells he already knew. And, though he knew better, he would write the day's events down, unedited, in a diary.  
A most dangerous habit, he knew, but he couldn't help himself. He never wanted to forget anything of his life in Camelot, not when he had finally found his home there. He knew he would forget some things- it was inevitable, but if he wrote down the day's events, then perhaps he could remember the important details.  
He was just about to write down the important details when Arthur came to get him that night.  
The prince burst into the room with a loud, "Merlin-!" and stopped short as he saw said sorcerer, quill dipped in an inkwell and book open on his small desk. Arthur stared.  
"You can write?" asked Arthur disbelievingly. Merlin tilted his head, not quite insulted, but not quite indifferent. He didn't know whether to frown or to grin, so he kept his expression neutral.  
"Why, yes, sire, I can," he said, then, because he was more offended then indifferent, he added, "I should think that that would be obvious."  
Arthur stared some more, a bit too shocked to notice the barb at the end of Merlin's statement.  
"But you're just a peasant!" he tried, apparently clinging to the reality of idiot Merlin harder than need be.  
Merlin raised an eyebrow and frowned, definitely offended now. "And?"  
Arthur opened his mouth, and nothing came out. He promptly forgot what he had come in there for and left the room.  
If Merlin smirked a bit, well, he could only be arrested.

* * *

_Dear Diary,_  
_Arthur was being a prat, as usual. He apparently didn't know that I could write. Yes, idiot Merlin, can't do anything! Too stupid to clean, to stupid to write, too stupid to be a sorcerer, of course! He probably doesn't have any talent besides his sharp tongue!_  
_Really, the prat wouldn't be alive without me- he could show some gratitude._  
_But if he knew, I suppose he would be more homicidal than grateful. Maybe I should be showing more gratitude._  
_Most peasants can't write, though, so I suppose I can't blame him for being surprised...  
__-Merlin_

* * *

"What do you think you're doing, Merlin?" Arthur teased as Merlin ran in through the gates.  
Merlin skidded to a halt. It was a good thing he was in a good mood- he had just defeated a beast about to attack Camelot by sneaking up on it, found some berries in the woods, and remembered on his way back to Camelot that he had forgotten to muck out the stables. Even that last part wasn't enough to dampen his spirits.  
"Oh, nothing, sire," Merlin said as he turned to look at the prince with a nervous grin. He hoped Arthur hadn't gone to look at the stables.  
"Oh, really? Just taking a stroll outside Camelot, then? Because you've obviously finished your chores."  
Arthur was fighting to hold back a smile, Merlin could tell. He was glad that the prince was in a good mood as well, and his answering grin was answered by a brief flash of embarrasment on the prince's face.  
"Well, I'm sure the stable boys are glad of your help, Merlin, because you help so rarely. In fact, I'm pretty sure you haven't even helped today."  
Merlin's grin didn't falter, and Arthur's smile threatened to break across his face.  
"Go muck the stables, Merlin."  
"Yes, sire," Merlin saluted, and headed off to the stables. He was sure a bit of magic to plug his nose wouldn't be noticed.

* * *

_Dear Diary,_  
_Wonderful day! I actually found some berries in the woods, and stopped some kind of beast from attacking Camelot without it even putting up a fight! Arthur would never recover if he saw how silently I creeped up on that thing._  
_Actually, I don't even know what it was. I'll have to ask Gaius- but he'll probably just shove a book in my lap and tell me that my mother taught me to read and write for a better reason than "That blasted diary," as he calls it._  
_Arthur apparently had a good day as well. He was fighting back a smile through the whole time we were talking. I'm glad -He would be a right prat to me if he hadn't!_  
_I just hope tomorrow's as good as today! Maybe Arthur'll even give me the day off!_  
_-Merlin_

* * *

Merlin opened the windows to Arthur's room with his normal, "Rise and shine!"  
Arthur grumbled, and Merlin set to cleaning the room.  
"It's going to be a beautiful day today! There's not a cloud in the sky, and I bet I'd even enjoy mucking the stables! Not that you'll be able to be outside- you're going to be in council most of the day!"  
"Merlin!"  
Arthur was fully awake now, and Merlin grinned before continuing, "And I hear that there's a beast attacking some place or other- I wonder if Uther's going to send you out to fight it again. Not sure I appreciate him sending you out all the time- do you know how many times I've saved your royal behind?"  
"Merlin."  
Arthur was holding his head and looking at Merlin like he was an idiot. Merlin decided that nothing had changed there.  
"I don't know why he sends you out, anyway. Doesn't he have knights? I mean, it's not very wise to send your only son and heir out into the woods to fight magical beasts. You're-"  
"Merlin," Arthur's voice was quiet, pained, and insistent. Merlin didn't hear him.  
"-lucky you're alive, really-"  
_Thunk._  
Merlin's vision went red for a second as the goblet hit his head. It wasn't one of the normal goblets Arthur threw, no- intricate patterns covered this one, and as Merlin fell over he felt the back of his head begin to bleed a little.  
"Merlin, shut up!"

* * *

_Dear Diary,_  
_Arthur threw a goblet at me today. It was a fancy goblet- designs and everything. Gaius expects it to scar._  
_It must've been talking about Uther. I don't know what got into me! I normally don't talk about Uther unless Arthur feels the same way, but I didn't think that it would hurt Arthur talking about how illogical it is to send him out! I- Oh._  
_Arthur resents his father sending him out. He probably thinks he's a failure because of it. He's like that. I wish he wasn't like that._  
_I was just in such a good mood. I wanted to annoy Arthur by talking for as long as possible._  
_Maybe I deserve that scar._  
_-Merlin_

* * *

"You complete idiot!"  
Arthur was mad. He was beyond mad. Merlin had never seen him this mad, and that was a bit scary.  
"Are you incapable of behaving like a proper servant in the presence of nobility!"  
"Arthur-"  
"Sire!"  
Merlin shut his mouth, tears welling up in his eyes. He spilled wine on the visiting king's coat, but one of the nobles had backed up into him! The visiting king had laughed it off, Merlin was relieved, but Uther had kept Arthur after the visitors retired.  
Merlin now knew he had had a reasonable reason to fear what Uther said.  
Arthur continued his tirade.  
"I know it is hard for you to be my servant, and that your small intelligence doesn't understand how to do the simplest of tasks, but you could at least refrain from being incompetent in front of visiting royalty! You made me look like a fool, my father is angry at me, and you endangered the treaty."  
His voice had diminished to a cold whisper at the end. His face was contorted with rage, and his eyes were clouded by it. Merlin knew he wasn't thinking straight, but it didn't stop the hurt from his next sentence.  
"You are dismissed from my service."  
Tears finally started to leak down Merlin's face, and Merlin let out a broken, "Arthur-"  
"_Sire!_" Arthur exclaimed. "You will refer to me as fits your station!"  
Merlin gasped a sob, and ran from the room.

* * *

_Arthur fired me today._  
_Uther talked to him, and he finally fired me._  
_I was stupid to think it would last for too long, stupid to think that maybe, when I was dismissed from his service, it would be to a higher station. Stupid to think that one day destiny would come to pass._  
_Stupid to think I was his friend._  
_-Merlin_

* * *

"Your name is Merlin, correct?"  
Merlin froze in place and turned around to look at the visiting king. The king had a sad look on his face.  
"I didn't see you in council today, and I am sorry for that. I was one of my court who caused you to lose your job."  
Merlin blinked in surprise.  
"I am sorry for that."  
Merlin frowned, and, since he didn't really ever know how to deal with royalty, he said, "It's fine, your highness."  
Merlin figured that no matter how hard he tried to hide his sadness, it would still be written all over his face, from the way the king looked.  
"I can tell you are special to Prince Arthur. I am sure he will see the error of his ways eventually."  
Merlin didn't know how to feel, but a spark of hope lit a small flame in him, anyway.  
"Thank you, sire."  
The king smiled, then looked at his own manservant as he walked away. Merlin stood where he was for a moment, thinking, and heard their voices as they walked away.  
"Sire, I am quite sure that man was Emrys."  
"Really? Well..."

* * *

_It was a welcome surprise. He's quite a nice king._  
_I hope Arthur will someday be like that._

* * *

When Merlin went back to his room, he was surprised to see Arthur sitting on his bed. He looked up when Merlin walked in, looked at him for a moment with a sad look on his face, then enveloped him in a hug.  
Merlin was clinging back just as tightly without even knowing he was doing so. He only realized he was crying when he saw Arthur's jacket getting wet, and didn't care because his was wet, too.

* * *

_Dear Diary,_  
_I've never seen Arthur cry before today, and I never realized that I hadn't seen him cry until he finally did. He's so brave, being able to put up with so much without letting himself cry._  
_No man is worth your tears, he says, but he cried today, over me..._  
_I'm not quite sure what it means yet, but I don't think I'll ever doubt him again._  
_-Merlin_

* * *

It started out with small things, like not throwing anything, or smiling at Merlin, or ignoring when Merlin forgot his chores, but Arthur was acting nicer.

* * *

_Dear Diary,_  
_Arthur's not being as much of a prat. I didn't realize until now..._

* * *

Then it escalated into patting Merlin on the back and not teasing Merlin for hiding in fights. He would sometimes even compliment Merlin.

* * *

_...I'm a little bit confused right now. I'm not sure what to think of it all..._

* * *

Arthur hardly assigned any chores besides the necessary ones, and one day, Merlin found him polishing his own armor.

* * *

_...I'm not sure whether he's just being nice because of our fight..._

* * *

Small touches were everywhere, a brush of the hand, a hand on the back...

* * *

_...But I think I love him._

* * *

And one day, Merlin looked into Arthur's eyes, and it happened.

* * *

_Dear Diary,_  
_Not think_- know.  
_-Merlin_

* * *

Arthur found it one day, laying open on Merlin's table. He quickly recognized it as a diary, quickly realized that Merlin had been reading it, and quickly stole it to hide in his room for blackmail material.  
When he started reading, Arthur also quickly found Merlin to be a sorcerer. He was mad, but he kept reading, and quickly found Merlin to not be evil.  
It was much easier to forgive him after that.  
In the beginning, he only read about how he was such a prat, and how Merlin couldn't stand him, but as he progressed, he could see Merlin getting used to Arthur, and maybe even starting to like him.  
It made him happy.

* * *

It was the little things that Merlin wrote that got Arthur. The things like, _maybe he's not that much of a prat,_ and, he's like that, and, _how silently I creeped up on that thing_, because who else would say that but Merlin.  
There were also little lapses, where Merlin would write something, then quickly add something to make it sound better, like _-Gwen and Arthur would be cute together,_ and, _-He would be a right prat to me if he hadn't!_  
But the big things got to him, too. Like, _Arthur asked me if I had found a place where I belong, and I think I have, now,_ and, _I don't think I'll ever doubt him again._

* * *

When he got to the second to last entry, he looked at the last entry first, because it was so short. It surprised him to see a small sentence, obviously relating to the entry before. He began reading.

* * *

_Dear Diary,_  
_Arthur's not being as much of a prat. I didn't realize until now. It was little things at first, but then they gradually grew bigger, and then Arthur started touching me, as though I wasn't a servant- not worth his touch- but more of a friend. It's nice, being considered a friend by a person higher up than me, but it's also strange._  
_I'm a little bit confused. I'm not sure what to think of it all. I'm not sure whether he's just being nice because of our fight, or because he feels sorry for me, but maybe he really means it._  
_I don't care, though. I know not to doubt him now. If he's being nicer, I should take it at face value. He's my friend, and though he has his bad spots, he's a good friend, in his own way. He rehired me. In a way, he went against his father's wishes for me._  
_He's also the Once and Future King. He has a destiny with me, and I'm proud to fill it, at his side. Even if I'm just a servant. I don't expect any recognition or gratitude, I just want to be here as long as I can, because he's my best friend, and I..._  
_I'm not sure I should be saying this, even in my private diary, but I think I love him._

* * *

When Merlin entered Arthur's room, he was surprised to see two books lying open on his bed. One was his diary.  
The other had only the first two pages written on, and Merlin, figuring the secret was out, began reading.

* * *

_Dear Merlin,_  
_I suppose this doesn't count as a diary if I'm writing to you, but I had to put my thoughts somewhere, and I don't think I could say this in person..._


End file.
